Change, Loss and Grief - Page 3
Your Grief Is Unique
Regardless of the type of loss you experience, your grieving process will be different from that of other people, even people experiencing the same loss. Just as each person's life is unique, so, too, is his or her grief experience. You react to loss in your own way, depending on your personality, the situation surrounding your loss, previous losses, your social support network, and the nature of your relationship with the person lost or your attachment to what was lost.
You may experience several or only a few of the feelings and clinically defined stages of grief, and there is no set order in which they should occur. Often, the physical, emotional, and behavioral changes are more intense and frequent shortly after a loss. Over time, these changes should gradually subside, becoming less intense, lasting for shorter periods, and happening less frequently.
The Stages of Grief
In the late 1960s, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the idea that people go through five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Although she helped legitimize the wide variety of emotions that people experience after loss, the stage model she proposed soon became a prescription for proper grief rather than a loose structure to identify broader patterns of grieving. As a result, many people mistakenly assumed they must move through all the stages and emotions, in succession, to grieve correctly or completely.
Although the stage models of Kubler-Ross and others have become a very popular way of explaining the grieving process, researchers exploring different types of loss found little evidence that people move through a consistent set of stages toward recovery. If you are familiar with the stages of grieving and are worried that you are missing a step or are cycling through one step more than once, rest assured this is not necessarily a sign that you are stuck in the grief process.
Read more about the Kubler-Ross grief cycle at ChangingMinds.org.
Learn about another model of grieving known as the dual process model.
The grieving process, which may take anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of years, should help you come to terms with your loss and eventually lead you to some feeling of resolution. Without this sense of closure, you may have difficulty functioning in your daily life and may have an increased risk of physical and mental illnesses.
Complicated grief and depression are conditions that can keep you from achieving this sense of closure. When the grieving process is prolonged or totally stalled, there is cause for concern.
Research Still Emerging
Although complicated grief is not yet listed as a psychiatric disorder in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, researchers say it is distinct from depression or normal grief and should be included in the next edition.
However, a need remains for greater clarity in defining complicated grief and determining areas of distinction and overlap with this condition and normal grief, depression, and posttraumatic stress disorder.
Making the Journey
When working through a loss, you may feel you're traveling a long, winding path with no specific destination or end in sight -- but, eventually, you can regain a feeling of control and predictability in your life. Many factors will shape your journey, and some may complicate it. Having ups and downs along the way is normal and healthy, as is backtracking, as long as you feel you are making progress overall.
But if the path continues getting rockier rather than smoother, or if you feel stalled or stranded at any point, seek the advice of a mental health professional who is familiar with grief issues. You may choose to seek professional counseling even if you are not experiencing any complicating circumstances; regardless of how you move through the grieving process, counseling can help you better understand your grief and help you move forward in your healing process.
Melanie's Story*
"As manager of my parents' restaurant for 10 years, I'm someone who's made a living using my hands. For months, I had been experiencing terrible pain in my hands that sometimes made it impossible for me to uncork a wine bottle or shake a customer's hand. I'd go home at night and my hands would throb. When the doctor told me I had rheumatoid arthritis, I cried. I was only 39. How could I continue the life I currently led -- and loved -- with this painful condition?
"I started treatment and physical therapy and continued on at work as best I could. But for weeks, I would get easily frustrated. Sometimes I cried for no reason. I couldn't focus, and I was constantly making errors. Eventually, I started to lose interest in things I once loved, like talking to the regulars at the restaurant or planning holiday events.
"Finally, my sister -- a family counselor -- came for a visit. I unloaded to her how out of control I was feeling. She explained how the things I had been going through were part of a grieving process. I was experiencing intense feelings of loss -- the diagnosis had changed me and my life -- and I needed to come to terms with that. I was relieved to know that I wasn't losing my mind, but rather that I was going through a normal, healthy process of grieving for a part of myself that had fundamentally changed. It was all part of my journey toward a new sense of myself and my abilities."
* Patient has been fictionalized as an example case study.
