Change, Loss, and Grief: Are Your Reactions Normal or Unhealthy?

Most people think of the grieving process as something experienced only after the death of a loved one. But we grieve for many reasons -- be it the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or the loss of good health. In fact, even events of a wider scale, such as natural disasters or terrorist attacks, can cause people to grieve at the loss of their sense of safety and security. Anytime something significant is taken away from us, we grieve. And that grieving process can trigger a host of unfamiliar and confusing emotions and behaviors.

Ultimately, most of us find a way to carry on after a loss. But the process we go through to do that can be complicated and emotionally messy. The process can be so overwhelming that some people fail to recover from it sufficiently enough to make good choices for themselves.

Knowing what is a healthy response to loss and what is not can help you stay on an emotionally healthy path to recovery.

How Did You React to a Recent Loss?

Think about the last time you experienced a loss, and think about how you reacted. Do any of the following emotions or reactions sound familiar?

• "I just don't feel like myself. I feel disconnected and different from everyone."
• "I sometimes feel overwhelmed and disoriented."
• "I'm really scattered, and I’m having trouble focusing on work or daily activities."
• "I'm driving my family nuts because I've been so overprotective, and I constantly fear for their safety."
• "I feel like I'm going crazy because I sometimes think I hear my spouse's voice, even though he is no longer here."

Some of these emotions and behaviors can feel alarming. Are they normal feelings when it comes to grief, or are they emotionally unhealthy reactions? Compare your specific responses with those listed below to find out whether they match the typical reactions associated with normal grief, complicated grief, or depression.

Symptoms of Normal Grief

Physical Reactions

• crying spells
• lack of energy and feeling physically drained
• changes in sleeping or eating patterns
• general feelings of malaise

Emotional Reactions

• numbness
• sadness
• anger, general irritability
• guilt
• fear or anxiety

Behavioral Reactions

• withdrawn/less productive
• unable to sit still
• lacking attention or concentration
• struggling to think clearly or remember things
• seeing or hearing the voice of the deceased

Over time, you should feel a gradual reduction in the above symptoms as you begin to accept the loss and adjust to a new sense of normalcy. However, when you are in the midst of such reactions, be extra cautious about your health choices. Studies suggest added stress can limit your ability to control unwanted behaviors, leading you to make poor dietary choices, forget exercise, and indulge more in overeating, smoking, and caffeine consumption. Getting enough rest and exercise, proper nourishment, and consistent social support is vital to working your way through the grief process.

Symptoms of Complicated Grief

Physical Reactions

• continued sleep disturbances from frequent nightmares and intrusive memories
• physical symptoms or psychosomatics related to the loss
• significant weight loss or gain

Emotional Reactions

• inhibited or absent grief
• prolonged hostility and aggression
• panic attacks, phobias, or irrational fears
• constant yearning for what was lost

Behavioral Reactions

• progressive isolation and withdrawal from social contact
• self-destructive behavior
• prolonged avoidance of tasks reminiscent of what was lost
• continued loss of interest in activities

Note: Experiencing any one of these symptoms, or several for only a short time, may not indicate complicated grief; depending on the number, intensity, and duration of your symptoms, your experience may fall within the expected normal reaction to a loss.